The year is 2087. Your Great Grandchildren of the Future have a message for you:
“Thanks a lot for not taking any photos that we can have. With all that new-fangled technology you had back in the early 2000s and 20-teens and your millions of photos a day, we get nothing? No idea of what you looked like or what your life was like. Are you going to use that lame “but the computer died” excuse, or “I lost my phone,” or “It’s not my fault that cloud service shut down?”
“Boo-effin-hoo. That was our family history you placed in the hands of some digital storage tech company you had no idea how and where they were putting it or some outdated technology, with no plan for us. No strategy for your family.
Here’s a crazy idea: Phones are for talking on. Copying a receipt maybe. But not family photography!
“Why didn’t you print anything? We’d at least have them. Oh, no, you never thought to do that. That would’ve make them permanent, god forbid. And would’ve cost you a buck, when for free, you could get a stupid ‘Like’.
“Not that many of them were any good, anyway, if that’s any consolation to us now. Snapping away with a wide-angle lens at arm’s length ain’t exactly the greatest technique for quality photographs. And wide-angle sucks for portraits–I bet you didn’t know.
“What happened to the professional studio photos? You know, the ones every other generation had, except yours, because you were too damn cheap to hire a photographer. That blurry photo of you and the family with your arm extended–we’re kinda glad that didn’t make it–it hurt to look at anyway, despite how many ‘great pic’ comments you got online from people who looked at it for a fraction of a second in all its blurry splendor. People who wouldn’t know a good photo if it fell from the sky and bit them on the ass, because all they were making were shitty ones themselves.
“In a sense, all your phone snaps were worthless, a waste of time, and now gone. You thought you were doing something, making photographs, and you weren’t. You accomplished nothing. You were just wasting your life on fleeting glances into your world that we’d never see.
And you missed Grandma’s and Mom’s weddings because instead of letting the professional photographer shoot it, you had to have your phone up the whole time. The one time they had a pro, and you still had to keep shooting your stupid, lame crappy photos.
Did you bring snacks to help out the caterer, too? And flowers for the tables? No, why, because there was a pro there? Then why’d you insist on snapping bad pics the whole damn time?
“You missed most of the things in your life by putting that stupid phone up everywhere you went–concerts, your children’s plays, fireworks on the 4th of July–“Hey, let’s get together and watch the video of last year’s fireworks display, said no one ever!”
“We know better now, and we have cameras for photographs. Actual cameras–can you believe it? And we print photographs. Because that’s what a photograph is! Too bad you never found that out. Too bad for us.
“All said and done, you shot too many photos, you printed none, and now, thanks to your short-shortsightedness, that whole part of our family history is lost in the glut of shitty frames that are dead in old tech.
Thanks a whole lot! Way to go!” [Slow clap]